Is This Domestic Abuse?

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour designed to make you afraid, dependent, exhausted, confused or cut off from the people and things that matter to you. It can look different in every relationship. Sometimes it’s obvious, but often it’s not. It might look like someone who is supposed to love and care for you:

• making you feel bad for wanting to spend time with friends and family

“She never said I couldn’t see my mum, but if I did, the atmosphere when I got home was so bad that eventually it just wasn’t worth it. I stopped going. I told myself it was my choice.”

• mocking your interests

“When I’d put my playlists on he’d always snark and make fun of me. I ended up not playing what I liked because it wasn’t worth his humiliation, and I just ended up believing that I didn’t have good taste in music and that he knew better than me because he worked in the music industry.”

• monitoring your movements, calls, or messages

“I had to text him when I arrived anywhere and again when I left. He called it checking in. I called it checking up. After a while I stopped going anywhere that would be hard to explain.”

• controlling what you wear, who you can see, or where you can go

“He’d go quiet for days if I made a decision without consulting him first. No argument, just silence. I learned to ask permission for things without realising that’s what I was doing.”

• using threats — including threats involving your children or pets — to keep you in line

“She’d threaten to kill herself whenever I tried to express that I felt drained by the relationship and needed a break. She did try to take her own life once, and after she made me believe it was all my fault if our kids end up without a mother, because I wanted to break up the family. I didn’t realise how manipulative it was.”

• making you feel like you are always in the wrong, no matter what you do

“I couldn’t get anything right. He would escalate arguments all the time and no matter what I said it would always end up being my fault that he was upset. It was completely exhausting having to defend myself all the time and meant I would just end up fawning and agreeing to his twisted accusations in the hope it would appease him.”

• taking away your independence

“He encouraged me to take time off work, which I initially thought was caring of him because I’d been struggling. But I later realised the reason I had been struggling was because of him, not my work. Work had been my safe space, and my mental health deteriorated very quickly. I ended up being off sick for two months, and he successfully convinced me to quit because I became so depressed, saying that we could both live on his salary.”

• invading your privacy

“He would never let me lock the door to the bathroom, and if I did he would accuse me of hiding things from him.”

This is the most common form of domestic abuse, and it can cause lasting harm, even though it leaves no visible marks.

It can include constant put-downs and criticism that erode your confidence over time; making you question your own memory or your version of events (sometimes called gaslighting); blaming you for the abuse; threatening to take your children away; and isolating you from people who might offer perspective or support.

“I started to genuinely believe I was difficult to love. He’d said it so many times in so many ways that it stopped feeling like his opinion and started feeling like a fact.”

Physical abuse includes any use of force or violence — not just the most severe acts. It might look like someone who is supposed to love and care for you:

• pushing
• shoving
• slapping
• grabbing
• hair-pulling
• throwing objects
• using their body to stand in your way and intimidate you

Physical abuse can escalate over time.

Any sexual contact that is unwanted, or happens when you haven’t freely given your consent, is sexual abuse. This applies within relationships too, including marriage.

It might look like someone who is supposed to love and care for you:

• Pressuring, guilt tripping or coercing you into sex acts
• Making you watch porn when you don’t want to
• Taking intimate images of you without your permission
• Sharing intimate images of you without your permissions
• Using sex (r*pe) to punish you

Economic abuse means using anything to do with money that affects your day-to-day life as a tool of control.

It might look like someone who is supposed to love and care for you:

• denying your access to money or bank accounts
• stopping you from working or studying
• having debt taken out in your name
• keeping you financially dependent so that leaving feels impossible
• using repeated court cases to drain your finances
• withholding child maintenance

“He handled all the money. I had to ask for cash to go to Tesco and show him the receipt. I had no idea what we had, what we owed, or how I’d ever manage on my own.”

Digital abuse is a pattern of behaviour where someone uses technology to control, monitor, intimidate or harass you. It can feel constant, because it follows you everywhere through your phone, social media, or online accounts. Sometimes it’s obvious, but often it’s disguised as care, concern, or “just checking in.” It might look like someone who is supposed to love and care for you:

• monitoring your phone, social media, or online activity

“He’d ask who I was messaging and get annoyed if I didn’t reply straight away. Eventually I stopped talking to people because it just wasn’t worth the interrogation.”

• demanding access to your passwords or accounts

“They said if I had nothing to hide, I’d give them my passwords. It made me feel guilty, so I did. After that, I felt like I had no private space at all.”

• sending excessive messages or calls to check up on you

“If I didn’t reply within a few minutes, he’d send message after message asking where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. It felt like I was constantly being watched.”

• using location tracking or apps to follow your movements

“He insisted we share locations ‘for safety.’ But if I went somewhere unexpected, I’d immediately get questioned. It didn’t feel like safety, it felt like surveillance.”

• posting, sharing or threatening to share personal information or images

“She would threaten to send private photos to my family if I upset her. I felt trapped because I didn’t know what she might do.”

• harassing or humiliating you online

“He’d leave comments on my posts or message people I knew, making me look bad. It gave me so much anxiety… I started to withdraw from social media completely.”

Stalking and harassment is a pattern of fixated, obsessive, unwanted and repeated behaviour that makes you feel scared, anxious, or unsafe. It can happen during a relationship or after a breakup. It often escalates over time and can feel overwhelming because it doesn’t stop. It might look like someone who is supposed to love and care for you:

• repeatedly contacting you when you’ve asked them to stop

“I told him I didn’t want to speak anymore, but he kept calling, texting, emailing. Blocking him didn’t help, he’d just find another way.”

• showing up uninvited at your home, workplace, or places you go

“She would turn up outside my work or be waiting near my house. I started changing my routine just to avoid her.”

• following you or keeping track of where you are

“I’d see his car parked nearby or notice him walking behind me. Even when he wasn’t there, I felt like he could be.”

• sending unwanted gifts or messages

“At first it seemed romantic, but it didn’t stop when I asked. It became unsettling, like he wasn’t hearing me at all.”

• contacting your friends, family, or colleagues about you

“He would message people I knew asking about me or telling them things that weren’t true. It made me feel exposed and embarrassed.”

• making threats or trying to intimidate you

“They never directly said they’d hurt me, but the messages were enough to make me feel scared. I didn’t feel safe anywhere.”